I lied on a job application...not on purpose 😳

It was 2021. I'd been at the same company for seven years, watched it start moving in a direction I didn't agree with...and didn't have the courage to say anything about it. On top of that, I'd been locked down on the East Coast for over a year.

I didn't know what I wanted next. I just knew it wasn't this.

So I started looking. But I wasn't looking for something different...I was too scared for that. I found the safest thing I could: the exact same role I was already doing, just at a different company. Remote, so I wouldn't have to uproot my life during a pandemic. Same title, same type of work. I thought a different company would make all the difference.

Then I got to the application.

This company didn't just want a resume. They wanted to know what I valued, what my purpose was, and what actually mattered to me beyond the bullet points. It wasn't just "list your experience"...it was "tell us who you are."

I froze. What do I value? What is my purpose? I stared at the cursor and had nothing.

So I did what I'd always done...I treated it like a test.

I looked at their mission, their values, their language, and I wrote what I thought they wanted to hear. I pulled together my best stories, my most impressive moments, the things that had earned me recognition. I made it sound aligned. Polished. Like I already believed everything they believed.

And when I read it back...it felt like a lie.

The room closed in. Not dramatically...just this quiet heaviness. Like the air left. I wanted to close the laptop, pour a drink, binge TV...distract myself the way I'd been doing for years. (That would've been a lot easier!)

But here was a question asking me who I really was...and I had nothing honest to give it. I was tired of performing. So I went back to those questions. I looked at what I'd written...phrases like "actualize collective visions" and "empower cross-functional collaboration." Words I'd pulled straight from their posting. Flat. Mechanical. Like just another puppet going to another master.

I deleted all of it.

This time I made myself a rule: answer with nothing that earned me external recognition. Nothing I did to make someone else happy. Nothing that sounded impressive. Nothing inspired by words in the job posting. Just...what actually gave me energy when nobody was watching.

The answers that came out were completely different. What actually gave me energy had nothing to do with corporate work...it never had. It was simpler than that...helping people focus on what actually matters...choosing real connections over surface ones...questioning the why before the what.

That thread had always been there. I'd just never seen it...because it was buried under years of someone else's language.

For the first time, I was looking at a picture of me that was actually mine.

(Spoiler: I didn't even get an interview for that job. And honestly...I'm glad.)

Because that application cracked something open. I'd spent years trying to figure out what I should do next...when the real question was: do I even know who I am well enough to answer that?

I didn't. And nobody had ever taught me how. So I started teaching myself...how to hear what I actually want, need, and feel underneath the noise.

And I'm still learning to become self-fluent...some days I catch myself pushing through when what I actually need is to stop and take a walk. Other days I say no to something I would've automatically said yes to...because I finally know myself well enough to trust what I hear.

It's not easy. But for the first time, it's coming from me...instead of a script someone else wrote.