I was avoiding myself by doing more...

I was setting my alarm before the sun came up every single day...to go straight into Instagram.

I am not a morning person, so waking up this early was awful. But I didn't hit snooze. Instead, I felt a surge of stress run through my body the second the alarm went off, telling me that if I'm late getting onto my social accounts, I'll lose the opportunity to get our brand out there.

I couldn't physically relax. I just had to start doing something.

I learned the exact times that mega creators would post throughout the day, and I was always on my phone at those times, trying to get one of the first comments in...because I thought that by engaging on these creators' channels (consistently, multiple times a day, every day...) people would start to recognize my brand and start valuing what I had to say.

This looked like filling every single second of every single day with me being sucked into social media. I even went to bed with my phone, still commenting right before I fell asleep.

I was doing all of this with the best intention. I thought "this is what our business needs! I have to be engaging in order to get our brand out into the world!"

But it turns out that I had actually been doing all this (cleverly, because I am so clever...) to avoid the very uncomfortable feelings that come with the challenge of starting a business. Building something from scratch where there's no guidelines, there's no boss, there's no organizational governance telling me what to do...that's a lot of uncertainty.

And I was masking it by doing more. Engaging on these mega creator posts was my way of convincing myself I was making progress...but really, I was just adding to the anxiety. Those uncomfortable feelings of starting a new business were getting fueled by me avoiding the natural discomforts of starting a new business! (I know, it's a wild cycle, right?)

The most ironic thing about all of this is that I realized what was happening as I was sitting down one morning, reflecting on my own purpose and guiding principles. (Yes, from the exact program that I use to help teach other people how to understand what they want and feel!)

It was that morning over coffee when I saw that one of my guiding principles is always question "why" before "what." 

And I had this "holy sh*t" moment...

I was acting in a way that is clearly not aligned with my values and also not aligned with the very thing that I teach! (Imagine that Kristen Bell GIF where she's laughing, and then starts crying...yeah, that was totally me. It was both hilarious and also very sad.)

But once the laughing stopped...I had to sit with something new that was uncomfortable. Even after all the work I've done on myself, I still fell right into the avoidance pattern.

That was humbling. But it also reminded me that understanding yourself isn't a finish line you cross. You'll still have setbacks. The difference is that you catch yourself. And this time, I caught it.

So I used it as an opportunity to set very intentional boundaries. I no longer pick up my phone and start looking at Instagram comments before I've had my morning cup of coffee. I don't take my phone to bed (I don't even keep it in the bedroom!). And I limit my commenting to a smaller window of my day, not trying to squeeze it into every single second I have available.

This has already given me a sense of relief. Not because the discomfort went away -- it didn't. Starting a business has growing pains (and honestly, it'd be a little weird if it didn't.)

But rather than cramming every second of my day with more engagement to mask those feelings, I allow myself to feel them. I accept them for what they are. And then I move on with my day and do work that is intentional and aligned with my own values. (*Sigh of relief*)

If you've ever filled every second of your day with something productive...not because the work needed doing, but because sitting still felt worse...I get it. That doesn't mean you're broken. It means the pattern hasn't been named yet. And once you see the pattern...it's a lot harder for it to run the show.

I'm curious...where do you find yourself getting caught in a familiar avoidance cycle?

🪷 Nora